Ramblings of a crazy girl

My sister bought a calendar for me when AK was born. I am supposed to write down significant things that happen on it. I have been terrible about filling it out thus far, so the other night I decided I should get it caught up, because he has done quite a few things that are important. On the November page there was a spot to write down special/important moments from the month. I asked Paul what I should write down, and we discussed a few things. Paul then told me I should probably include his ambulance ride and hospital stay. I sat there for a minute, and realized that I didn't want to write about it because I am still not to the point of being okay with what happened. I would rather pretend it didn't happen, because when I think about it, all those emotions from that time come back. I don't like to think about the fact that I almost lost my little boy. I realize that I need to deal with it, but I am not quite sure how. I have refused to write down what happened. I honestly want to forget it. Whenever I think about what happened, I get frustrated with myself because I blame myself, even though I know it is not my fault. I figure I must have done something wrong to have had that happen. I know that Heavenly Father only gives us trials that we can handle, but I am still really struggling with this one. In the beginning, I would talk on the phone with my dad daily, crying about how I can't handle this. It was hard to accept the fact that the life of my baby is in Heavenly Father's hands, and not mine. I realize that that is a good thing, but it still has been hard. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for waking me up. I have had many people tell me that I woke up because of mothers intuition. I know that I did not wake up because of that. I know I woke up because the spirit woke me up, and helped me to realize that something was wrong, and I will forever be grateful for that. Okay, none of this makes sense I am sure, but I just needed to get some things off my chest.

On a different note, AK has started to realize that he can reach out and grab things. It has been so much fun to see him learn and figure things out. I took him to the Dinosaur Museum yesterday (we went with my former class), and he had so much fun looking around. He LOVES to look around and see everything around him. It is the cutest thing when he looks around...his eyes get huge and his face seems to say "What in the world?!" I love it!!

Officially a Stay-at-Home Mom

So I am officially unemployed. Such a strange feeling. When I started teaching this year, I wasn't sure if I was going to keep working or quit. After we ended up back at the hospital with AK, I knew I was going to quit. I knew that I was the best person to take care of my baby. I am so glad I made the decision to stay home. I love spending time with my baby. He makes me want to be the best mom possible.

We had some pictures taken of AK. A lady in our ward took the pictures. I absolutely love them. I wanted to get the pictures taken while he is still small. It's hard to believe that my baby is growing so much. I still can't believe he weighs 10 pounds! My favorite picture is the one of him in the BYU onesie. I can't wait to take him to football games next year. We've already bought him some BYU warm-ups to wear. Yes, I am creating a BYU fan out of him. I love it!!

Blessing Outfit--my sister made it. She's awesome!!